Coming out of 2020 and the pandemic most people have realized that they want to become better versions of themselves, whether that is getting out of a toxic relationship or as simple as eating better. I too had my own realization, I noticed a trend where people have taken this time to use social media as a tool for judgement, using offensive questions directed towards another person’s way of life.

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ocial media platforms are easily accessible and don’t have as many limitations as to how opinions are expressed. Meaning that if someone uses offensive language towards someone else it takes a while for the platform to identify that language.  Ever since I came out, I’ve had an understanding that people are not always going to agree with who I choose to be, particularly if it is based on religious reasons and the negative perspectives that come along with their ignorance about my life choice. But I never realized how much other LGBTQ people deal with the same hateful aggressive questions as I have. 

This past year I noticed on Social Media how often LGBTQ people specifically in the Lesbian community, are being attacked by people who do not agree with how they present themselves. There is a misconception that ignorance posed in the form of a question will somehow not come across as criticism. However, it’s clear that they are wanting to provoke a negative reaction.  They ask certain pointed questions such as, “why do you dress like a guy — I thought you were a lesbian?” Or, “ I thought you were a stud, why are you wearing a dress? You must not be a good lesbian.” If  the woman who is asked this question reacts in a negative way the questioner replies with, “it was just a joke”. When in reality it was not a joke in the first place.

there is no rulebook to follow for gay women in a relationship, but Society seems to want to force rules on them…

The issue is not isolated to single lesbians. Gay women in relationships seem to be targeted as well. If the two women in the relationship are more feminine presenting or even more masculine presenting, they are asked, “Well who wears the pants in this relationship?” Meaning that because both women in the relationship appear to present themselves in a similar way, they must not be in an acceptable same sex relationship. The fact is, that there is no rulebook to follow for gay women in a relationship, but Society seems to want to force rules on them based on heterosexual experience.

Instead of just being ourselves, we end up putting on this façade that Society has come up with…

 Some women in the lesbian community, after facing a round of questions, do not allow themselves to be vulnerable in fear of further attack. If they stand quietly, they are berated on social media to a point where, I believe, they give up and accept the “society role” and begin to see themselves in the way that society sees them. Instead of just being ourselves, we end up putting on this façade that Society has come up with, like, as a Lesbian couple, one of us must dress masculine to fit a certain role in the relationship. 

The truth is that every person is different, and every relationship is different, but, unfortunately, we eventually allow people to get in our minds and disfigure who we are, and we almost unknowingly turn into the version of gay women that “they” want us to be. Most of the time, it takes a while for us to realize that we can just be ourselves, whether that means wearing makeup and masculine presenting clothes or not wearing makeup and wearing a dress. Just because we are in a female same sex relationship does not mean we need to be the one to “wear the pants” in the relationship. It does not matter if one person is more dominant presenting than the other. Or if neither women are dominant presenting. All that matters is that the relationship is consensual and there is love and honesty throughout the relationship, not toxicity. Society does not seem to understand that the way people appear, is not the way they are on the inside. And people can be whoever they want to be or dress how they want to. So the ideal of “wearing the pants,” in a relationship, is not something that is even addressed in a mature adult same sex relationship. It’s important to highlight what the Lesbian community is dealing with and acknowledge it. As a Society we  need to progress from the ignorant ideals, instead of manipulating and bullying people to change who they are, out of fear of being different.

It’s often forgotten that our sexual identity is just a sliver of who we are, a beautiful and honest part nonetheless, but just a small part. Oftentimes society dictates and pressures females, simply based on their sexual identification, to act a certain way and even dress a certain way, when that is not productive. If we can directly address the provocative questioning, recognizing the outdated stereotyping and the bully tactics that are attached, especially toward Lesbians on social media, we can help these women know that their feelings are understood and valued. Happiness and love are needed, not ignorance.